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2 0 2 2     O c t o b e r

H u m o r     P a g e

 

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said,

Mike, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,

'Here - try these on.'

She did and said,

'These are too big; I can't wear them.'

I replied,

'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any problems.'

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,

'Here - try these on.'

She tried them on and said,

'These are too large.  They don't fit me.'

Mike said,

Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family, and I always will.

'I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to

Mike.  She said,

'Here - you try on mine.'

'He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'

Karen said,

'Exactly.  And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

And they lived happily ever after.

 

 

His request approved; the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is...You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

 

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,

God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long.

In the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line of men, "You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

I created you to be the head of your household!

You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!

Of all of you, only one obeyed.  Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

 

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here.  I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance into heaven.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you?

You can't be judgmental here.  This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are brothers.

Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No.  The Pearly Gates."

 

 

"Life is short.

Drink the good wine first."

 

The man asks his father how he is settling in.
"Oh, it is wonderful son, I've made some great friends,

I'm well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a Viagra before bed every night".
When, leaving, curious to know about the Viagra, he asks a nurse.
"Excuse me, my dad told me that you serve him hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night, why?"
The nurse replies, "Oh, the hot chocolate is to help them fall asleep."
"And the Viagra is to stop them rolling out of bed"

 

Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:
"Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could.
"Well," she said hesitantly, "it's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily:
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds.  And Jimmy's mom would like a word with you!"

 

A Tiring Day

 

 

 

IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning.

This is Sergeant Jones.  How might I help you?

"And the best of the day te yerself.

This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the Good Father, replied,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied,

"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."