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0 2 2 A
u g u s t H
u m o r P
a g e A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... On his first day
there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices
his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies,
'No, what do you mean? 'She says, 'You
must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an
erection, it implies you called for me. 'Smiling, she
leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues
to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...Within minutes, a huge, hairy
man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?'
says the hairy man. 'No, what do you
mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,'
says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you
called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a
bench and has his way with him. The newcomer
staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells,
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep
the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she
replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had
the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies,
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.
I fart 35 times a day... The BEST Little Johnny joke I have ever heard! The kids filed
into class Monday morning. Their weekend
assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led
off. "My sales
approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit, and I credit
that approach for my obvious success." "Very
good", said the teacher. Little Debbie was
next. "I sold
magazines" she said. "Very good,
Debbie", said the teacher. Eventually, it was
Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held
her breath. Little Johnny
walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on
the teacher's desk. "$2,467",
he said. "$2,467!"
cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes",
said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes",
echoed the teacher, "How could
you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the
busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free
sample." They all said the
same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say,
"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a
toothbrush? A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room. A young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk entered. She had a variety
of tattoos and was wearing strange clothing. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis. She was scheduled
for immediate surgery. She was now
completely disrobed on the operating table. The staff noticed
that her "pubic hair" had been dyed green. Above it there was
a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, 'Sorry had to mow the lawn.' I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning. While checking up
on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before
the group's annual departure date, John's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going. John's
fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they
do? Two days later the
three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent
set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a
cold beer. "Heck John, how
long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you
go?" "Well, I've
been here since last night. Yesterday
evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me,
put her hands over my eyes, and asked, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands
off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand
and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose
petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie. Well, she's been
reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs,
and ropes! She told me to
tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said,
'Honey, you can do whatever you want.' So, boys, here I
am!" John, who lived in the north of "I realize
it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't
worry." John said. "We'll
be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone
at first light." The lady agreed
and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the
night. Come morning, the
weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great
weekend of golf. But about nine
months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on
his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good
looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in "Yes, I
do." said Shawn. "Did
you, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um,
yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did." "And did you
happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your
name?" Shawn's face
turned beet red, and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm
afraid I did. Why do you
ask?" "She just
died and left me everything." And
you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
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