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A drunkard was applying for a job
as a winetaster at a vineyard in The
manager poured some wine from a bottle that was hidden from view The
guy was handed the glass of wine. He
swirled, smelled, sipped the wine, and winced. "It's
a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and
matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive,"
said the manager. "Still
a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast
slope, stored in a steel vat." He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood
and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and
spoke. "It's a blond, 27
years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll
tell who the father is!" A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in
a fine restaurant in They were gazing
lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress was
taking another order at a table a few steps away. She slid under the
table and the man stared straight ahead. The waitress
thought this behavior was a bit risqué. She worried that
it might offend other diners. She went over to
the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me,
but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly
looked up at her and said: "No, she
didn't ... she just walked in."
Husband - "I'm
so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the reason." Wife - "I
want the truth, and I want it NOW" Husband "Fine.
We finished in less than 4 hours. Had a quick beer
in the Clubhouse. I hopped in the
car and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I
spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a
jiffy, and next, she's offering me money. Of course, I
refuse it. Then she tells me
she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton. She begs me to
stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a
sweetie, I said yes. Before you know
it, one beer turned to three or four. I guess we were
looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me
she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we
get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her
room, clothes are flying, the talking stopped. We proceeded to
have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone
on for hours because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw
my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There.
You wanted the truth, you got it." Wife -
"Complete and Utter Bullshit You played 36 holes, didn't
you?" While playing on the front
nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where
he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion, and asked her if
she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. The same thing happened on the back nine, and he approached her
again with the same request. She said, "I'm now on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What
do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work
for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole
behind you!" A young boy was outside
with his friends playing. He ran into the house looking for his grandmother. He found her in the kitchen baking a batch of cookies. He needed a question answered. He said, "Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in
the same room and one is on top of the other?" His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from
a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. "Well," she said hesitantly, "it's called sexual
intercourse." "Oh, okay," said the boy and he ran outside to carry on
playing with his friends. A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom would like a word with
you!"
The male whale
recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many
years earlier. He said to the
female whale, "Let us swim under the ship. When there blow
out of our air holes at the same time. They tried it and
sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the
whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to
the safety of shore. The male was
enraged that they were going to getaway. He said to the
female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they
reach the shore." At this point, he
realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look,"
she said, "I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen." The man asks how
his father is settling in. "Oh, it's
wonderful son, I've made some great friends. When leaving, he
was curious to know about the Viagra, so he asked a nurse. "Excuse me, my
dad told me that you serve him hot chocolate and a Viagra before bed
every night, why?" The nurse replies,
"Oh, the hot chocolate is to help them fall asleep." "And the Viagra
is to stop them rolling out of bed" The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
class, No one answered
until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not
be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will
then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored
her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's
mouth fell open. Then she said to
those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher
continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Little
Johnny stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye." Mrs. Parks said,
"Very good, Johnny," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you,
young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a
dirty mind. Two, you didn't
read your homework. And three, one day
you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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