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Jewish Quarterback The coach had put
together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears The only thing that
was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a
Super Bowl win. Then one night
while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the KABOOM! He threw another
hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw
another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to
get this guy!" Coach said to himself.
"He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him
to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is
hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what
he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom,"
he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want
to talk to you, the old woman says,
"You are no longer my son!" "I don't
think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans." "No! Let me
tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house, so she doesn't get
raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I
will never forgive you for making us move to Ole and Sven Ole and Sven die
in a snowmobile accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes
that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them
'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell,
ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an
ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides
that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even
more. When he returns to
the room of the two from The devil is
astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two
seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell,
ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so
ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is
absolutely furious. He can
hardly see straight. Finally, he comes
up with the answer. The
two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides
to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning,
the temperature is 60 below zero. Icicles are
hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are
unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles
and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and
finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping
up and down, cheering, yelling, and screaming like mad men. The devil is
dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're
happy. Now its freezing
cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at
the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super
Bowl.' Surgeons The first surgeon
says, "I like to
see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered." The second
responds, "Yeah, but
you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color
coded." The third surgeon
says, "No, I really
think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in
alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon
chimes in: "You know, I
like construction workers ... those guys always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would." But the fifth
surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are
the easiest to operate on. There's no guts no heart no balls no brains and no spine and the head and
the ass are interchangeable." A priest and a nun
are on their way back from a trip when their car breaks down in a
small town. They are unable to
get it fixed quickly so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in
the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I
don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if
we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the
lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that
would be okay. (They go to bed
but ...ten minutes later...) Nun: Father, I'm
terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll
get you a blanket. (He does but
...ten minutes later...) Nun: Father, I'm
still terribly cold. Priest: Okay
Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does but
...ten minutes later...Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're
probably right. Get up and get
your own blanket!!! Hugh Laurie on the Graham Norton Show...The lion story Hugh
Laurie's Hilarious Story of Working With A Lion | The Graham Norton
Show - YouTube A guy has a tapeworm in his intestines,
and he tries many doctors, but to no avail. Finally, he tries
an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits
him. The doctor says:
Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is
confused but does as he's told. The next day he
shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor
proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man's
ass. The doctor then
says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very
confused but does as he's told. The patient and
the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day,
the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead
of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is
again confused but does as he's told. The next day the
doctor inserts both bananas up the guy's butt and quickly grabs the
mallet and waits. All of the sudden,
the tapeworm pops out saying: Hey! Where's my Snickers bar? WHAM!!!! Where did the phrase "Don't
throw the baby out with the bathwater" originate? A husband was sitting on the sofa
one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the
head. The husband asked,
"What the hell was that for"? The wife replied,
"That's for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura
Lou on it"! "Don't
worry", said the husband, that's just the name of a racehorse I
put a bet on a few days ago." Satisfied, the
wife apologized to her husband. Several days later
the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him
and snacks him over the head. "WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT FOR"?, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain. The wife tossed
the phone at him and said, "Your horse called". "Lemon
Pickers Needed" Ms. Sally
Mulligan of She decided to apply for one of the jobs. It was a job that most Americans are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job in a The application listed her qualifications. However, she seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a Liberal Arts degree from Texas Tech. She has a master's degree from the For several years, she had worked as a social worker. She was also, a schoolteacher. The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated and have an impressive
resume. "However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual
experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted
twice for Obama, once for Hillary and most recently for Biden." |
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