Honk For
Grandma...LOL
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Thanks Kathy
Koziuk Hannaman class of 1960 for this funny tale...
How was I born
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
That's not
what Daddy told me!
Daddy, how was
I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!
Your Mom and I
first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked
into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your
mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I
was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall.
It was too
late to hit the delete button.
Nine months
later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You
got Male'
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Redneck
RV
New TV
Too Big For The Old Cabinet
Bald
Spot Duck Tape Repair
Did You
Lose Your Bottle Opener???
No
Ice Chest You Said
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According to a
news report, a certain private school in
Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To
demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Thanks to
Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following...
We need more
Marines in the classroom!
|
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high
school teacher.
Just
before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of
his body.
Fortunately,
the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the
first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.
The
smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a
former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be
testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead
silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
|
There are
teachers, and then there are educators...
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One For The
Guys
from Kathy
McDonald Corey 1960
A guy named
Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the
Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway
through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the
field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to
the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to
him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very
excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of
the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use
it?"
The man
replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super
Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well,
that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No,"
the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
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Jewish
Grandmother
A Jewish
grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming
to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in
apartment
301
. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push
button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the
right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out,
I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow? ...
"What.. .
.. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in
Brooklyn
is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will
always remember me. "
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy!
Somma day you gonna be runna da business.
You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home.
Maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
____________________________________________________
Irish blonde
An attractive blonde from
Cork
,
Ireland
, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice
came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I
won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one
of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks; not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are
men!
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|
"4 Worms In
Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four
worms were placed into four separate jars.
The
first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The
second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The
third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The
fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the
conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The
first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What
did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine
was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't
have worms!"
That
pretty much ended the service!
Today is
International Disturbed People's Day.
Please
send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend ... Just
as I've done.
"Hang
in there sunshine, you're special!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHE
WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
SHE
STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND
CLOTHES.
A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON.
He had A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND ASKED,
"OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE
OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO,
I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A
CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED.
He
SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW."
He STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE
OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR didn"t WANT TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF. She
STARTED HOPPING AROUND.
EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET
HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED
HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE
OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE
YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO.
HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.
THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN.
He was staring, too, at THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN GUN
bARRELS.
THE
BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS,
AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S
ASS?"
THE
GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'M...BUT I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE
ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1
- Never be arrogant.
2
- Don't waste ammunition.
3
- Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4
- Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5
[- Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being
stupid...]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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