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A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last electric bill.
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit.
He's mad as hell and rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Looks Like Plastic Feels Like Rubber
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini.
He found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk.
The drunk kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring,
"Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know."
"It looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer.
He rolled it between his thumb and fingers.
He then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.
Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber.
It has no significant smell or taste.
I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"


One day a market researcher was going door to door in an upscale neighborhood.
This guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback.
 "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues.
"Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

 Senior Parachute Club
 Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. (Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.)
Apparently sitting around, smoking a good cigar and sipping some Jack Daniels isn't a good thing?" I asked.
She is "only thinking of me," she responded and suggested I go down to the
Community Center and hang out with the guys.
So, I did and when I got home I decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 75-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a membership card and I e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. 

On the school's photo day the children had all been photographed.
They were all decked out in their nice outfits.
After the photo session, the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
With a wide smile she said, "Pictures are keepsakes forever.
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up.
You can look at the photo and say, 'There is Jennifer, she's a lawyer now.
Or, 'That's Michael, he's a Doctor now'.
Or "Remember Little Johnny? He was always making jokes in class.'"
In the back of the room, Little Johnny sounded off 
"And here is the teacher, she's dead now!!!"


Not Many Saw This On The Evening News...it was tough to witness...

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

It just shows the dangers of attending these events.
Amazing photo below shows great detail.
Seeing is believing!!
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. He lost altitude rapidly. ...and narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings...pure chaos!!!

 

 

No one was killed, but it probably scared the "crap" out of them.

Many could only say, "Holy Shit."

If My Body Was a Car!

 

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it...Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself', Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

Joe Namath

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Bob Hope

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

W. C. Fields

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

Phyllis Diller

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Billy Crystal

I get this poem every winter and every winter I love re-reading it. It's a beautiful poem and very well written. A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre Shit! It's cold!!! The End.