Senior Japanese Men - Sex after 60
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males
depends on where they were born, according to statistics that were
just released from the United Nations Board of Health Teams.
Data revealed that American men between 60 and 80
years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week,
whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex
only once or twice per year, if they are lucky.
This news came as a BIG shock to myself and my golf buddies, as none
of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer
and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in
his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her
mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better
be good or you are history. Here's your equipment ... chair, whip and
a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair,
the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion
starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen
a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired
golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out
of there."
PRICELESS
Oh crap!
On a golf
tour in
Ireland
, Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes-Benz into a petrol station in a
remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish
manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir." says the attendant.
Phil nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees." replies Phil.
"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the
Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says
Phil.
Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of
everything!"
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well
taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his
head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall,
curled up in the corner and fell asleep...
...an hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This
continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who
the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware
that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to
his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of
3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him
tomorrow?'
An Irish priest was transferred to
Texas
.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas
mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went
like this: "Good morning.
This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
St. Ann
's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind
as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you
people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we
are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason
for my call."
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Went
to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is
23 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary
Just been to
the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides
me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato
Crisps, the lot.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping
center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some
of the bomber jackets.
A
woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked
on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked
to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What
are you
doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the
mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she
explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a
romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he
asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Need's ironing," he said. "What's for
dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
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The
guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I
just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob
shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe
it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we
got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the
butt, and kissed him goodnight. Bob sat up and watched me all night.
Photo Of The New Generation!
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The
Bensonhurst Spelling Bee
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b7e6f00184/the-bensonhurst-spelling-bee-with-kelly-ripa
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Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front
door of the brothel across the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at dat!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a rabbi appears at the
door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and
stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and
the rabbi.
They then see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of
the girls must have died!"
