A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies.
Little Johnny had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher in a rather mean and arrogant manner.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, the butcher's voice came booming over the speaker system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

An old man went to the doctor. He said, "Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to."
The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, "Can I ask you how old you are, sir?"
"I'm 87.", said the old man.
"87!", exclaimed the doctor, "How old is your wife?"
"She's 92.", was the reply.
The doctor was astonished by this, and said, "So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you don't get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?"
"That is correct." said the old man, "What can you do to help me?"
"Well," said the doctor, "when did you first notice this problem?".
The old man looked thoughtful, "I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning."

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asks.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"
The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.
"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?

The teacher decided that in science class, she would teach her students about different materials.
Standing at the front of the class, she asked, "Children, if you were able to have one raw material in all the world, what would it be?"
Raising his hand, little Timmy said, "I would choose gold. It's worth lots of money and I could buy a Porsche."
Next, little Allie raised her hand and said, "I would want platinum because it's worth more than gold and I could by a Corvette."
"Very good, both of you," said the teacher. "Johnny, what would you want?"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "Oh, I would want silicone."
"Why would you want silicone, Johnny?" asked the teacher.
"My mom has two bags of it and you wouldn't believe all the sports cars outside our house!" he replied.

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."