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Hixnews |
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to
church in his life. An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the
room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them,
he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it
there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the
same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars
took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned
and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that me wife had us join that Definition of OLD" #1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an
affair. #2 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "98," she replied: "Two years older than me" #3 #4 #5 #6 A Cruise Ship Diary DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses,
swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Ladies
Bowling Club, 'The Late Bloomers' decided on this
"all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't
wait! DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today, seems like a very nice man. DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive
and attentive. DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won $500 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have
dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious pool today. Did
some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me
to join him at his table for dinner. Felt meal complete with caviar
and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him
I could not be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a
drink at the piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day.
The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is quite
charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I
declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he
would sink the ship! I was shocked. DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved two-thousand-six-hundred lives...Twice ... The 100 M.P.H. GOAT. Two
Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in
the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth. The first
said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I
wonder how deep it is"? The
second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it
in and see how long it takes to hit bottom". Despite
it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to
the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As
they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat
come crashing through the under-brush, ran up to the hole and without
hesitation, jumped in head first. They
were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in
amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was
all about. Just
then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen
to see my goat"? The
first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing
here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing
about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here
hole"! The
old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an
old gear box".
These
are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court The CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were
completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They
brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They
passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the CIA I agents
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her.' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his
wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some joker loaded the gun
with blanks,' he panted. 'I had to do it the hard way.'
After
10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different
parents. Wife: Honey, I
have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's
up? Wife: According
to DNA test results, this is not our kid... Husband: Well you
don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you
noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go
change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So I went inside, got
a clean one and left the dirty one there." Moral:
Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified. ************** An
Irishman's first drink with his son! While reading an
article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back
to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our
local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He
didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a
Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I
thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe
he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In
desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest
whisky. He wouldn't even
smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I
realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could
hardly push his stroller back home!!! ************** Some
Light Dublin Traffic Humor A car full of
Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a
bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show
us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite
shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I
don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary
Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little
wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She
then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?" *************** Murphy
told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. *************** Mrs.
Feeney shouted
from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the
mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' *************** My
Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine
giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell
you the details and highlights of theirs?
A young
Arab boy asks his father
"What is that strange hat you are wearing, Father?" The
father said, "Why, my son, it is a Chechia. In the desert it
protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun." "And
what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?" asked the boy. "Oh,
my son" exclaimed the father. "It is very simple. This is a
Djbellah. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but
the sand is always blowing. My Djbellah protects the entire body." The
son then asked, "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on
your feet?" These
are Babouches my son," the father replied. "You
must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful,
they are also extremely hot. These Babouches keep us from burning our
feet." "So
tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my
son." "We're
living in Minnesota, so why are you still wearing all this shit?"
There are two lessons here: 1. Lawyers
aren't as smart as they think they are.
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