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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, who could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." 
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." 
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!
" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: 
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several church members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to  maintain their silence & distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank,(and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home.. and left it there all night.


An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.
When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins...
Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession.
I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Tom and Bill said their final goodbyes to their good friend, David. "Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Tom. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed sleeping with your wife." Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Tom and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying sleeping with his wife!" "No, I wasn't serious. It was lousy."

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall. He said, "Hi, how are you?" Embarrassed I said, "I am doing fine." The voice said, "So what are you up to?" I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!" From the next stall came, "Can I come over?" Annoyed, I replied, "Rather busy right now!" Then the voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall here answering all of my questions."

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only when it's raining."

The results of some very recent research from a renowned and illustrious educational institution have conclusively and shockingly revealed that, contrary to all expectations and hopes, there are 7 kinds of sex. Here are the findings of this groundbreaking study:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at night (very popular).

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least:

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.

Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As  she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them.  I've just never seen one mounted and framed."

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one. The mime accepted. The next morning, before the crowd arrived, the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He discovered that it was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people, and he drew bigger crowds than he ever had as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tired of him and he became bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zookeeper came and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this went on for some time. The mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he slipped and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime started screaming and yelling, "Help! Help meee!!!", but the lion was quick and pounced. The mime soon found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion slowly lowered his snarling mouth towards him and said: "Shut UP you idiot! Do you want to get us BOTH fired?"

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning  jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the  guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina  with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do  you have any rye bread?"

She said,  "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I  want five loaves."

She said,  "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be  hard."

The old man  says to himself,  I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.