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New Teacher After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new
job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He
was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable
when he wore his suit coat. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his
discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher
opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap. He picked
up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead Silence The rest of the year went smoothly. A
man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. "I'm
sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the
theater." The
man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken
into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket,
entered the theater, and sat down. The
chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay
because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick
its head out. The
woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend
Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his
pants!" Amanda
replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've
seen one, you've seen them all." The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's
eating my popcorn!" A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As
the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down
Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They
all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a
particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor
yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a
beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned,
there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:" What in the
world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until
this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!" Little
Johnny boards a public bus
and sits down right behind the driver. He
begins to speak: "If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd
be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd
be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd
be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd
be a little duckling." After
listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a
while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed. He
turns around and says to the boy: "Little Johnny, what if your mom
was a drunk and your dad was a bum?" In an
instant, Johnny responds: "I'd be a bus driver." The bus driver probably should have seen it coming! Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on
the ground." "The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and
that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't
had the flu all winter?" The
army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through
lots of retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone. In the
end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his
full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the
general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The
first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to
measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He
walked out with a check of $720,000. The
second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his
up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check
for $960,000. When
the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my
testicles." The
pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do
the measuring. The
medical officer came into the room and asked the general to drop
'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. "My
God man!" he said, "where are your testicles??" " A
Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US,
so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside. It
reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An
American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and
goes to the clinic. Lawyer:
'I have lost my sense of taste.' Doctor:
'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in
patient's mouth.' Lawyer:
'Ugh, this is kerosene!' Doctor:
'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me 20 dollar.' The
annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer:
'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Doctor:
'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his
mouth.' Lawyer
(annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for
restoring my taste.' Doctor:
'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me 20 dollar.' The
fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to
get back $100. Lawyer:
'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Doctor:
'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer
(staring at the note in the doctors hand): 'But that is $20, not
$100!!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me 20
dollar.' Two men are trying to get in a quick
eighteen holes,
but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a
long time to play each hole. The
first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
through?" He
says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The
first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He
gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The
second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "same thing!" After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just
finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and
there was a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's "Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to
meet some local folks. Thank you." As "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can
drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he started to leave Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks
again." Once again "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what
should I wear?" Bob and Ray, two government
maintenance men, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and curiously asked
what they were doing. Three couples went to visit the minister
to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that
they would have to go without making love for two months and then come
back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and
the final couple was newlywed. Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The
retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple
said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint. "A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can and
when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and
then. Lust just took over." The minister just shook his head and said: "You two sinners are
not welcome in my church!" "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either." |
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