Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of
the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick,
the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,
Paddy'.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way
then'.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by
the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh
bloody damn!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He
sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on
his face.
'Be-Jesus... I'm in bloody trouble,' he
says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No bloody way....'
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it
to the bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
'damn it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the
room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have
a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed.
But how did you know?'
'Mick
phoned...You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
During a good manners and
etiquette class
being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:
"If
you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family,
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what
would you say to her?"
Michael
raised his hand and replied: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a
piss."
The
teacher said: "That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Anybody else?"
Charles
replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in
a minute."
The
teacher says: "That's much better, but to mention the word
"toilet" during a meal is unpleasant."
Then
Little Johnny chimed in: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able
to introduce to you after dinner."
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You'll
be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
But,
she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a
normal sex life again Doctor?"
The
Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear
ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The
girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all
right, won't I?"
He
replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has
ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
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A man and his wife were getting a divorce
at a local court in
Greece
; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked
for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a
Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the
machine?"
DON'T LAUGH he won!!!
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One
day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate
ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed,
"Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved
the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red
frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate
ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once
again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over
the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck
recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the
captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before
battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the
attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will
continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such
a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the
look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships
approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain
and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
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Harold
and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don`t
Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"
Seizing
the controls he headed for the runway at
LaGuardia
Airport
, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground.
Just
as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right
in front of you!"
Immediately
Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing
the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!"
he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE
it is."
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She
stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that
the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on spot.
Confused about what happened, the stylist put on the headphones and
she heard the recording say "breath in, breath out."
A married man was having a
long-term affair with his secretary.
One
day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
sex, they both fell asleep and didn't rouse until well into the
evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to
take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into
his shoes and drove home.
"Where
have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling,
I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell
asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been out playing golf!"
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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference
in an organization. Very impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,'
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon
in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that
he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained,
'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all
of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour.
'If our personnel are
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the
kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I
dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get
another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that
there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw
that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then
he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save
time in the restroom. By
tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull
it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After
you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I
don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
With
all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby
recently.
When
she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various
relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of
them asked.
"Not
yet", said the mother. "I'll make coffee and then we can
visit for a while."
Another
half hour passed before another relative asked, "may we see
the new baby now?"
"No,
not yet," said the mother.
A
while later the guests asked again, "may we see the baby
now?"
"No,
not yet," replied the mother.
Growing
impatient, they asked, "well, when can we see the baby?"
"When
it cries!" she told them.
"When
it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it
cries?"
"Because,
I forgot where I put it."
GOD said: "Adam, I want you to do
something for me."
"Gladly,
Lord," replied Adam. "What do you want me to do?"
"Go
down into the valley."
"What's
a valley?" asked Adam.
God
explained to him, then said: "Cross the river."
"What's
a river?"
God
explained it to him, and then continued: "Go over the hill."
"What's
a hill?"
God
explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: "On the other
side of the hill, you will find a cave."
"What's
a cave?"
After
God explained, he said: "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam
asked, "What's a woman?"
So
God explained that to him too. He continued: "I want you to
reproduce."
"How
do I do that?"
"Jeez!"
God muttered under his breath. He then "sighed" and
explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam
liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley,
across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found
a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said:
"Lord......what's a headache?"
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Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus.
When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his
mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?
"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."
Timmy isn't satisfied with her response.
He turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath
that elephant?"
Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Mom said it was nothing."
"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
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Joe
passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate
funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen,
turned to her oldest friend, Jodi. "Well, I'm sure Joe
would be pleased," she said.
"I'm
sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her
voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really
cost?"
"All
of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!"
Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$30,000?"
Helen
answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the
church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The
rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody
computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God,
how big is it?!"
"Two
and a half carats."
When
a man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was
delighted.
But
several weeks and several inches later, he became
concerned and went to see a urologist.
While
his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and
explained that, though rare, his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery.
The
patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after
the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need
for surgery.
"How
long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???"
the doctor asked.
"Well,
yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his
legs, aren't you?"
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