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There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"


A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to the earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.


Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.

He saw me and said: 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night!"

The married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home.

I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:

"I miss Chicago."

So someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama Bumper Sticker, and left a note that read: "Hope this helps!!!"

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas or they will be rejected.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of woman's underwear. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The man answers, "They're Carol's."

 

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

 

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'

 

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....

 

If you send it on, you have nothing Toulouse.

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.

"Nah..." she shrugs.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."