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I was working out at the gym when I spotted a "sweet young thing" walking in...

 

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there"?



The trainer looked at me and said, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby"!


A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.  
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. 

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. 

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a dwarf!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

Meet Walter Barnes. 

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!     Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"     80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.      "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"      "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.      "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"      "Ninety-nine," he replied.  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.      "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"      The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes." Then he calmly returned to his seat. Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. One day, Carlos asked Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" "Look at your sign, what does it say?" replies Jose. Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." Jose says, "no wonder you only get $2-3." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say then?" Jose shows Carlos his sign - it reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico"