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Three
mischievous old Grandmas
were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old
Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey,
we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The
old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One
of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed,
but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his
drawers.
The
Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and
then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them
wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87
years Old!'
Standing
with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping
their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three
old ladies happily crowed.....
'We
were at your birthday party yesterday.'
Two elderly
women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection.
The
stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in
the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After
a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the
light was red again, and again they went right through. This
time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it.
She
was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to
the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they went right through, and she turned to the other woman
and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at
breakfast.
Things in the bedroom hadn't been good for a while, so they
were going at it over that.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed
off to work.
He began his working day, and didn't hear a peep from his wife.
By mid-morning, he decided to make amends and phoned home. After
many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their
orders.
The man says, "a hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the
ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with
the order.
"That will Be $9.40 please"
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich
come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket
and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The
usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"
says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and
says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity
any longer.
"Excuse me, Sir. How do you
manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man,
"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an
old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the
waitress.
"Most people would ask for a Million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of
milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the
ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers.
"My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big rear end and long legs who agrees with
everything I say."
A
beautiful young woman
was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a
hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The
nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating
theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while
she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A
young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet
up and started examining her naked body.
He
put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another
man in a white coat.
A
second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same
examinations.
When
a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she
began to grow impatient and blurted out:
"All
these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you
going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no
idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Harry was
finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office
when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand.
"Congratulations
Harry, I just wanted to tell you I've been married for
twenty-two years, and I am sure that you will always remember
today with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your
life."
"But
sir", said Harry, "a little bit confused, I'm not
getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah,
I know", said his boss.
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