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Thanks to Jim Gorman from the class of 1966 for the following...

Questions from an Octogenerian

An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:
"So, tell me, do I come here often?"

A duck walks into a bar and says "Do you have duck food here?" The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have duck food?" The bartender says "No." The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says "I already told you 'No' twice! If you come back and ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says "No." "Do you have any duck food?" A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.  The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.  Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

A lady goes to her parish priest one day. She tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said: "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you. This may very well be the solution," the woman responded. The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

David Is To Be Returned To  Italy .. A  bit of cultural news for a welcome change.         After a  two year loan to the United States, Michelangelo's David is being returned to   Italy  His Proud Sponsors were:      A girl from New York and a girl from a small southern town were seated side by side on an airplane. The southern girl, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The southern girl, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from, bitch?"

 

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body." He struggled to ask again: "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers. She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she took a close look and said: "No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!" The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly: "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k???

 

Thanks to Ed Delaney class of 1961 for the following bit of humor...
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband

reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I

have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful

to me?�

 

 

 

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've

been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always

for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never

suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we

were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the

mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and

the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?�

 

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you

for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't

have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went

to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at

no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of

course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for

president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?�