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The pastor of the local church got a word that his favorite deacon, Deacon Smith, had been killed in a car accident. He knew the deacon's wife would be hysterical so he called an emergency meeting with other deacons.
"Gentlemen, said the pastor, "one of you must break the news to Deacon Smith's wife. This will require a great deal of tact because the widow will be overwrought with grief." Deacon Jones volunteered to bring the news to Mrs. Smith.
When he got to the house, he knocked gently on the front door. A lady appeared at the door and he posed a question ever so kindly "Are you the Widow Smith?"
Shocked, Mrs. Smith replied "I am Mrs. Smith but I'm not a widow."
"That's what you think," came the reply.

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge, your badge! Show the bull your badge."

A guy walked into a bar and saw his friend sitting with a glass of beer at the bar, looking sad, troubled and bloody. He approached his friend and asked what happened.
"The wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one."
"How'd you do that?"

"Well, you know when you're done with a big fight and your wife suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah."
"I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"


A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course ,became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the henhouse, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse — three or four times. The farmer is shocked.
Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again — WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset, Randy is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy looks dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful — and expensive — animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer."


He said ...  I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would but you're never there.

He said ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said ... They don't have time

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...They already have boyfriends.

She said ...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said...  A widow.

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up." An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." Thanks to Cheryl Proffe for the following... This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the Marina.  I noticed a man shouting "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown! Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department! It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

 Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
A lone female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."

The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."