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A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.
"Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly.
"I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?"
"How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked.
"Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down.  Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him."
The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it."
"Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?"
The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

A blond woman goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The lady counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".
The interviewer looks at her a little puzzled and then tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And eh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The lady bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh that!", she replies, "That's just me running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Thanks to Val Pakaluk for the following...
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to pee.'
The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

A young blond stops at the gas station to fill up and realizes she has locked her keys inside the car. When going inside to pay, she asks for a hanger to unlock her car.
After a few minutes the attendant comes to help.
The not so bright blond is moving the hanger, while inside the car is her not so bright, also blond, friend is giving directions: "RIGHT, NOW LEFT, UP A LITTLE, JUST A LITTLE MORE RIGHT..."

A girl came skipping to home from school one day...
Daughter : Mommy, Mommy, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 !
Mom : Very good.
Daughter : Is it because I'm blonde ?
Mom : Yes, it's because you're blonde.
The next day the girl came skipping to home from school....
Daughter : Mommy, mommy, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N !
Mom : Very good.
Daughter : Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy ?
Mom : Yes, it's because you're blonde.
The next day the girl came skipping to home from school...
Daughter : Mommy, Mommy, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these ! (She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest ).
Mom : Very good !
Daughter : Is it because I'm blonde, mommy ?
Mom : No Honey, it's because you're 18 !

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"