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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Why? - What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: "My good Watson... someone has stolen our tent."

Brian and Jan were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Jan's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Brian asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Brian looked out the window and right there he saw a champion-ship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Brian..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Brian. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Brian looked around and nervously asked Jan , 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Brian
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Brian glared at Jan and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. 

We could have been here ten years ago!'

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."  Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. 
"The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.


So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the Beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........


The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind



ol'Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door To find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,". "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked. One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"! Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."  The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"  The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."  Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"  The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
When he woke up, he looked down at his feet and spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every summer Sunday? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Little Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Little Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Little Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Little Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.       
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and

I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."       
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,  Mr. Smith replies,

"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"       
Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bruce replies,

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,  Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.        

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"  
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."       
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable.