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DUI  Texas style

 

Only  a person in Texas could think of this:  

From  the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.  

Recently  a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas .
After  last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  

The  man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After  what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed  to find his car and fall into it.

He  sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally  he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night flicked  the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He  moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a  few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At  last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and  drove slowly down the road.  

The  police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car put  on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer  indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded,  the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.   This  breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

"I  doubt it", said the truly proud Redneck.  'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'


My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. 
Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him.
After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

Subject: Few: Fwd.: DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's There.'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

 

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Little Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth and then replied... "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat."

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class.

She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

 While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic... although sad to see it said!

1. Don't change horses........................... until they stop.
2. Strike while the.................................. bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of..... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but....... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..................... looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................... Mister.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll........ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the............. pigs.
13. An idle mind is.................................. the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's..................... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs
        with you, cry and............................. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as................ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not....... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only
        what you......................................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind........... get out of the way.

And the WINNER is... the last one...

25. Better late than................................ pregnant.

Lars was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. "Oh, yuck! Well, that's all right, Lars, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do for you."
"I haven't got the fingers," Lars said, gasping through his pain.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2017. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
"Well, geez, Doc," Lars groaned, "I couldn't pick 'em up."