A man walks out to the street, in the rain, and
immediately catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank. Frank Feldman"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all
the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab in the rain,
things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single
time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody.
"Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He
could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the
pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway
star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an
amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix
anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street
blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything 100 %
right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and
avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in
them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how
to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue
back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I
never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married
his fucking wife"!
Squirrel problem
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels
were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's
divine will.
At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice
as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was
heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored
that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a
squirrel on their property since.
What 6 to 8 year old children learned in a
Oceanography Course...
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight
testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an
island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are
incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth,
just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie,
age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top
of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men
and a woman and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the
trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't
blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother
said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids.
They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth
do mermaids get pregnant ? Like, really ?
(Helen, age 6)
9) -
I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying,
my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,
so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves
under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to
chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very
cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the
water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on
each other.
(Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell
off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again
because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why
the fish don't drown I, don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all
about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a
sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding
reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand
next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
SEX Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's
husband.
Poor Lance Armstrong...
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance
Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France
races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find
my bike!
Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV,
just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!
Pregnant Prostitute ...
Doctor
asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "For
god sakes; if you
ate a tin of beans would you know which one made
you fart?"
Paddy
calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with
you?"
Paddy replies "I don't
know! It's your bloody plane. "
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Wooo
Wooo
Two
Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All
of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of
a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Woooooo!
He
then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it
was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!' into the opening.
If
they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in
there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The
second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he
was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It
is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an
answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With
a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The
following day, the headline of the local newspaper
read................
NAKED
IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They started getting along really well and they decide to go to
the girl's place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his
hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a
dentist!"
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing.
How did you determine that?"
The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your
hands."
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed.
Things became more and more passionate and... (moving forward)
After their passionate deed was done the woman remarked,
"You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a
great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my
dear?
His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."
True Story or Fake News...???
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Brooklyn
were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good
wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of
the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good
wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of
snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went
out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on
her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get
through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit,
the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in
the garage this time."
While
playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says,
"No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings
off a butterfly. "That's
it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run
across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and
then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching
her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you
going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out
riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone
knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the
pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were
standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact
that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit
the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask
me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're
worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me
to Hell.
" The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the
most comprehensive report on
Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a
stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read
it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another
stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician
read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to
Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician
disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7
holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then
sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The
Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the
right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.
An elderly
gent
was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He
was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with
endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and
they appeared still very clearly in love.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all
the years you've been married, you still call your wife those
loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,
he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Everyone was seated
around the table as the food was being served. When little
Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother
reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say
a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but
this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Cowboy: "Give
me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah, She ain't THAT ugly."
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