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An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman before.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"Well, I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

  After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said, "even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this, how often do you have sex?"
Mr. Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "Well, I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

 

GOD was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the Archangel found Him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.

The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Close to Pennsylvania is Washington, D.C....
Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"


A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way." What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. had a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.  The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe
that had just arrived.  She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed...
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a
time he had.  He said: "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.  When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening....
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my
costume to...." ?

 

A woman, completely fed up with her husband's internet browsing obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a pair of sexy lingerie and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She leans forward and whispers, "Time for super sex."
He ignores her. So, she starts saying it louder and eventually yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex".
Finally, he replies, "Okay, okay!  I'll take the soup."

 

While I was traveling, I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church. I decided to go there and check them out in person.
As soon as I sat  down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was  because I was the only white person in the church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not  paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson  came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty,  you will walk today."
Again I  said that there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold¦
My Car Was Gone!

 

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or said the words ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said , "Why thank you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention.
One night, a male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
"Sure," the woman says. "Let me go wash my hands first.
"After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so, with sarcasm in his tone, he says, "You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands."
Angered at this remark, the woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!"

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired, shocked.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"