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     Humor Page for November 2016

Thanks to Ed Delaney class of 1961 for the following...
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
 A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream... It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price.

That's him, there in Aisle 5.

                                      

 

Thanks to Kathleen McDonald Corey class of 1960 for the following...

Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said, 
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told  her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. 
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.. 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' 

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?'

'Nope'  
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'  
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still drive!'  

 

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' 

 

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' 
' Twelve thirty.'  

 

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. 
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

 

Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.

Thanks Kathy

A Dark and Stormy Night
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a  tree.

 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

 

He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a  terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I  please use your phone?"

 

"I'm sorry," replied  the hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

 

Bob brings his wife in. An elderly gentleman comes down the stairs.
"I'm  afraid my assistant may have misled you. I'm not a medical doctor; I'm a scientist.

However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." 

 

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

 

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Both  Bob and Betty Hill pass away.

 

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

 

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

 

He Bursts in and shouts to his Master, "Master, Master"

 

"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"