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     Humor Page for October 2016

                     

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.   The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher  realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.
"Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service .45 cal. automatic, and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She  shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed  four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.   "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

                                

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Little Johnny's teacher asks the class if anyone can use the word "beautiful" in a sentence. Little Johnny starts waving his hand in the air immediately.
The teacher calls on little Mary. Little Mary says, "The sunset last night was beautiful." "Wonderful", says the teacher. Next she calls on little Susie.
Little Susie says, "There are some beautiful flowers in front of the school." "Terrific, little Susie", says the teacher.
Finally she calls on Johnny. Little Johnny says, "My sister's got beautiful tits!"
"Johnny!!!", says the teacher in shock. "You can't say that sort of thing in a classroom! Tonight you have to think up a sentence using the word "beautiful" in it twice and tomorrow morning you'll tell it to the whole class."
The next morning she makes Johnny come up to the front of the class to recite his sentence. Little Johnny says, "Last night my sister told daddy she was pregnant and daddy said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"

               

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton go Into a bakery on the campaign trail.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them into her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.
I will definitely win the election. 

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.

I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. 

Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. 

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and  asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

                           

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a prostitute!"
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"