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          Humor Page for September 2016

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."


A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of  your stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

                   

Children Are Quick 
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
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TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH 
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I took four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $20 each," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty dollars each."
"You didn't bargain too hard.  By the way, who bought them?"
"I did!"

The Submarine Navy

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters on submarines....

Addressing boat sailors at Groton, COMSUBLANT advised: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50.  

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100.  Are there any questions?" At this point, a Master Chief in the crowd stood up and inquired: "How much for a season pass??"

 
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude
45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, from the back of the room, Little Johnny volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."