Humor Page for September 2016
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long
and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her
doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is
nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her
husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by
little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband
is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car."
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you
all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had
read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the
blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a rubber at the end of your stick? That
ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end
of your
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Children
Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER:
Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O
TEACHER:
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten
years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
________________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
_________________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon ,
tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel
has been turned off.
I took four tires to a friend's garage sale
and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked
him to watch them for me.
"Sure,"
he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you
willing to go?"
"Try
for more, but I will accept $20 each," I said, and left.
When
I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for
them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty
dollars each."
"You
didn't bargain too hard. By the way, who bought them?"
"I
did!"
The Submarine Navy
The
Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters on
submarines....
Addressing
boat sailors at Groton, COMSUBLANT advised: "The female sleeping
quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He
continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $50.
Being
caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100. Are there any
questions?" At this point, a Master Chief in the crowd stood up
and inquired: "How much for a season pass??"
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the
teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude
45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, from the back of the room, Little Johnny
volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can
you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper
disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
In a crowded
city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was
wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too
tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step of the bus.
Slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried
to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little
more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
Her to unzip her
skirt a little more.
For the second
time, attempted the step, and, once again,
Much to her
chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the
driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to make the step.
About this time,
a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily
by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went
ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!'
The Texan smiled
and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
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