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Humor For April 2016

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom. Then you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I DON'T THINK SO."

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day, she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" she said. "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's gotta hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope. Only when it's raining." ********************************************************************************

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?" "You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it". "Well, help yourself" said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk. The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?" "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey. The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek". The farmer jumped up and said "Let me get my boots and I'll go with you!

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A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
Second guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the third guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about him not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."
Third guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "You wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
The guy responds "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some  Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for
the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?

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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I  have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old and I'm telling everybody!"

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have  forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

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Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found
in your pants pocket.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. '
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV
when his wife  bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Let us pray...