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Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign
that said, "Please press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several
minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then
another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you
want?"
"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for
yourself?"
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A father passing by his
son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With
the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands. Dear Dad...
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with
Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because
of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes,
and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only
the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the
commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the
meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
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A man goes to a doctor,
twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say,
"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help
me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" says
the doctor, "They just came out with this new wonder drug
that does the trick! You take the pill and your problems are
history." The doctor gives the man a prescription and sends
him on his merry way.
A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" yells the man excitedly, "I've
got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've
had sex fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased doctor,
"What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home
yet!"
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A Sunday school teacher is
concerned that his students might be a little confused about
Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He is in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out,
"He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my
father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus
Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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Billy
Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon.
Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation, only this year
I'm gonna do it different.
The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
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Rigorous Exercise for Over 60
Begin
by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.
With
a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try
to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each
day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After
a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
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Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks.
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Last
night, I swung my arm over my wife in bed and it felt a
little easier than usual.
"Love, have you lost weight? I asked.
"Awww, thank you honey, that's so sweet of you, but I
don't think so." She replied. "In fact if I am
honest, I've actually piled it on lately."
"Oh, that explains it," I said out loud what
should have forever stayed unsaid, "you've just sunk
deeper into the mattress."
Today I am sleeping on the couch.
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A man walks into a
pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help
him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A
few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says confused "Sir, I thought you were looking
for some tampons for your wife."
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I
sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling papers because it's soooo much cheaper. So I
figured, if I can roll my own, so can she."
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A man goes to see the
Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked,
"What's wrong?"
"My wife is poisoning me," the man replied.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can
that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you
know."
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I
spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?
The man said, "Yes!"
Rabbi replies, "Take the poison."
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Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into
the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just
about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . . POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a
little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" "Do you know how
long it took me to make those buttercups?"
"Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still,
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for
anything the rest of your life!!!" Then POOF! She was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!
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The FBI had an opening for
an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and
testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a
woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," the agent explained, "Inside the
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill
her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from
her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat
him to death with the chair."
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