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A
hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to
one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table
handlers and says, "I want to bet $25,000 dollars.
It's all the money I have. The only request is that I
play topless as I have found that this provides me the
most luck at winning."
The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman
unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her
bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the
dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and
screaming, "I WON I WON I WON!" She gathers her
winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and
walks out.
The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the
other, "So what did she roll?"
"I don't know", the other man says, "I thought you
were watching?"
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A
married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2
in the morning.
The very blonde wife
picked up the phone.
She listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's
200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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There were these three
girls who were getting married and they all met at the
marriage counselor office to discuss the options of having
or not having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby
right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their
potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of
birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will
work," said the counselor "but only if you keep a good
record."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
"I plan on using birth control pills" she said. Again
he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget
to take them".
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning
on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer
method." After a short pause, he told her that should
also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific
date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls
were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.
The counselor asked the first girl what went wrong with
her method.
She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got
my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a
baby."
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she
replied,"The birth control pill, but we were camping one
weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can
see,
I too am going to have a baby."
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were
going to use the bucket and saucer method.
Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket
and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you."
She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and
since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands
on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his
eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from
under him!
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People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about
the positive things they do, such as this incident
involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North
Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist
who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in
heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet
to protect the face from the cold weather.
"What's the matter? asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The
Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as
promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off,
waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers' office
received a note of thanks from the father of the
motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
*********************************************************************************
Company Memo
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE:
November 1, 2012
RE:
Gala
Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the
private function room at the Grill House.There will be a
cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00
to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a
special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on, we're calling
it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians and
to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will
be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your
name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put
a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only",
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?
Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too
much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little
chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday
Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which
forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There
goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party or else package everything for you to take it home
in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the
Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed,
apparently because of concerns about confusion in the
restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for
short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on
a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the
amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House
suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite
first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as
dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply
"no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing
Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday
Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the
"grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest
of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you
all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die.
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday
Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the asylum. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan |
