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I was standing
at the bar of Terminal 3 at
JFK
International
Airport
when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and
starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things,
like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
He says "No, why the Heck did you ask me that? Is it
because I am Chinese? Are you a racist?!"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my
beer, you little prick."
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Miss Beatrice,
the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing
her old
Hammond
organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on
top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water
floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to
stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice',
he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this pointing to
the bowl?
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of
disease.'
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!
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The
Blonde & The Milkman
A
blonde heard that baths in milk would make her
beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must
be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm
going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young
and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it
"pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits
... I can splash it on my eyes if I
need to!"
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One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball
lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up,
put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed
a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked.
"Tennis ball," the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I
once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
****************************************************************************
An old geezer became very bored
in retirement and decided to open a
medical clinic.He
put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get
your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor
"Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't
know beans about
medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity
to get$1,000.
So
he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what transpired:
Dr.
Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can
you please help
me??"
Dr.
Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3
drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr.
Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr.
Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That
will be $500."
Dr.
Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring
to recover his money.
Dr
Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
Can you help me?"
Dr.
Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3
drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr.
Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr.
Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That
will be $500."
Dr.
Young,
having lost $1000,
leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr.
Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---- I can hardly see
anything !!!!
Dr.
Geezer: "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have any medicine
for that. So, here's your $1000
back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr.
Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr.
Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That
will be $500."
Moral
of the story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't
mean that
you can outsmart
an "old Geezer "!
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A teacher noticed that
little Johnny at the back of the class was squirming
around, pulling at his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out
what was going on.
Little Johnny was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had a minor surgery on his willy over the weekend and was
quite itchy now. The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office. He was to call his mother and ask her
what he should do about it. He did that and returned to
the class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
The teacher went back to investigate only to find Johnny
sitting at his desk with his willy exposed.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she
said.
"I did" replied Johnny hesitantly, "and she
told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime,
she'd come and pick me up from school."
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Get
Out Of The Car - NOW !
An elderly
Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun proceeding to
scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW !"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and
ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load
her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the
driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized
why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a
football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A
few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and
drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant
to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to
the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting
a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white
hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior
moment...make it memorable!
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Just some silliness from FL to start
your day! Hope it is a good one!
Xoxo
Barbara Dibella Dowd
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A
lady in the Villages in Florida(a senior retirement
community) was sitting on a bench.
On
a bench nearby was a gentleman sitting and enjoying
the day.
She asked him if he was new to the community?
He said, "No, I've owned a condo here for 20
years".
She
then said " I've been here 15 years and I
have never seen you around!".
He
then said " I have been in prison for the last
17 years!".
She was stunned and finally asked him what he had
done.
He said that he had murdered his wife!
She was stunned again and after a long pause she
said...so you're single??
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The Villages Dating Ads for
Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper
You can say what you want about
Florida, but you never
hear of Anyone retiring and
moving north. These are actual
ads seen in ''The Villages''
Florida newspaper.
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM
COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has
just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit
plot.
Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude,
long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and Meditation. If you are the silent
type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids
out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother
with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser.
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and
caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like
to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the
guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a
groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES
I can usually remember
Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday,
let's put our two heads Together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good
condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied
to many.
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