Hixnews
Humor

  

 

Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'This is a powerful medicine.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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You Can Tell A Lot About A

Woman By Her Hands

 

For Instance, If They're Placed

Around Your Throat. She's

Probably Pissed Off


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Thanks to Bob Gillette for the following...

When God Sends You Help, Don't Ask Questions

 

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication.

Got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP .

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" *

He said, "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.

I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing , "Oh, thank you, God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?!

 

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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

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For those with a perverse sense of humor!
Kathy McDonald Corey 1960

 

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.
I went straight to the back of the store to where the pharmacy counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and put them on the counter.

The pharmacist came over and smiled and said, "Can I help you?"
I said, "Yes, can you please taste this for me?"

The pharmacist went along with the request because I was a senior citizen.

He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid from the bottle onto the spoon, then put it into his mouth and swilled it around on his tongue.
Then with a stomach churning look on his face, he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished coughing, I looked him straight in the eye and asked, "Now does that taste sweet to you???
The pharmacist shaking his head back and forth and with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "Hell No!"
So I said, "Thank God! That's a tremendous relief. My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar.
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I don't really care because they aren't very friendly!!!

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     Look What Happens When We Cut Down Too Many Trees

 

 

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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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Thanks to Larry Anton from the class of 1960 for the following...
 http://www.boredpanda.com/if-lost-return-to-jan-he-stayed-with-her-the-whole-time/

http://www.boredpanda.com/grandpa-decided-to-pimp-his-ride-grandma-agreed/  http://www.boredpanda.com/trolling-grandma-she-kept-getting-on-and-off-the-scale-confused-and-this-went-on-for-7-minutes/

 

http://www.boredpanda.com/together-19-since-61/   http://www.boredpanda.com/coloring-books-while-waiting-for-food/

 

http://www.boredpanda.com/staying-young/  http://www.boredpanda.com/cosplay-3/

 

http://www.boredpanda.com/celebrating-their-50th-wedding-anniversary-with-style/  http://www.boredpanda.com/getting-married-on-the-brides-100th-birthday/

 

http://www.boredpanda.com/grandpa-where-are-your-hands/  http://www.boredpanda.com/these-duelers-dont-let-their-walkers-slow-them-down/

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Thanks to Val Zalewski Pakaluk from the class of 1951 for the following...

Sign on a Gynecologist's Office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On another Septic Tank Truck
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Plumber's truck
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door
"Push. Push. Push."
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At a Car Dealership
"The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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At a PROPANE FILLING STATION
Thank heaven for little grills