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GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's
office. The man said to the dentist,
"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have
two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for
us to go play golf, so forget about the
anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to
get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's
9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for
the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist
thought to himself, "My goodness, this is
surely a very brave man asking to have his
tooth pulled without using anything to kill
the pain." So the dentist asks him,
"Which tooth is it sir?"
The
man turned to his wife and said, "Open
your mouth Honey, and show him........"
******************************************************************************
Einstein
was once traveling from
Princeton
on a train when the conductor came down the
aisle, punching the tickets of every
passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein
reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find
his ticket, so he reached in his trouser
pockets. It wasn't there. He
looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him. He
still couldn't find it. "The
conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you
are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you
bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'
Einstein
nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued
down the aisle punching tickets. As he was
ready to move to the next car, he turned
around and saw the great physicist down on his
hands and knees looking under his seat for his
ticket.
"The
conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein,
Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are;
no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm
sure you bought one.'
Einstein
looked at him and said, "Young man, I
too, know who I am. What I don't know is
where I'm going."
*******************************************************************************
A
bakery owner hires a young female shop
assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.
One
day a young man enters the store, glances at
the shop assistant and at the loaves of
bread behind the counter.
Noticing
her short skirt and the location of the raisin
bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.
The
shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread located on the
very top shelf.
The
man standing almost directly beneath her
is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.
When
she descends the ladder, he decides that he
had better get two loaves.
As
the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf
of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what's going on and requests
his own loaf of raisin bread..
After
many trips she is tired and irritated and
begins to wonder,
"why the unusual interest in the
raisin bread?"
Atop
the ladder one more time, she looks down and
glares at the men
standing below.
Then,
she notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd.. Thinking that she can save
herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you,
too?"
"No," stammers the old man,
"but it's quiverin' a little!"
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Thanks to Bob Gillette...an Oldie But Goodie...enjoy.
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Thanks to Barbara DiBella Dowd
class of 1962 for the following...
The Brothel
The
madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties
or early fifties.
'May I help you, sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave
it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the
price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he
pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs... After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a
record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which dates back
into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the
ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After
their session, Valerie said to the man 'No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The
man replied, 'Billings, Montana.'
'Really',
she said. 'I have family in Billings.'
I
know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and
I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
****************************************************************************
Thanks to
Pat Bowdridge Brimm class of 1964 for the following...
Good Night Kiss
One
night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.
With
an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with
me?"
Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh
come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at
her.
"No,
please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh
come on! There's nobody around; they're all sleeping!"
"No
way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh
please, please. I love you so much!"
"No,
no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh
yes you can. Please?"
"No,
no. I just can't."
"I'm
begging you..."
Out
of the blue the front porch light goes on and the girl's older sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she
says:
"Dad
says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need
be Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake,
tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
*******************************************************************************
A teacher
noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. When you get
there, call your mother and ask her what you should do about it.
He did
then returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went
back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
*******************************************************************************
Thanks to Carl Probst class of 1959 for the following...
You shall find pure genius below...guaranteed.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once
again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
Here
are the winners:
1.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3.
Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.
Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late..
10.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15.
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.
Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners
are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3.
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.
esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.
Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.
Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7.
Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.
Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.
Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10.
Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.
Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12.
Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.
Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.
Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.
Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.
