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The following sent
by an old friend, Brian Maher... An old man
was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly
smelled chocolate chip cookies. A blonde, a brunette
and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the
bartender. ********************************************************************************************************************** None
of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his
teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad,
Tyrone". The
teacher told his mom, honestly, that her son was simply a disaster,
getting very low marks and never had she seen such an unmotivated boy
in her entire teaching career. Left
with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation which
was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a
handsome doctor smiling down at her. ******************************************************************************************************* During a commercial airline
flight, an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young
mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as possible. ******************************************************************************* The following was sent by my
former USS Liberty shipmate Wayne Kelley... A
blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you
find the shampoo?" He
answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry
hair, and I've just wet mine." ------------------------------
A
blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I
think it's got, epilepsy," he tells the vet. The
vet takes a look and says,"It seems calm enough to me." The
blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl
yet." ------------------------------------
A
blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It
says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He
spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ------------------------------------
A
blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is
this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!"
he shouts, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------------
A
blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A
cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees
in the road. The
cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!" ------------------------------------
A
blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His
wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He
does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What
did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here
boy!" he replies. ------------------------------------
A
blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet. "Just
WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging
myself," the blonde replies. "The
rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I
tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't
breathe." ------------------------------------
An
Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?" To
which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd
still be in the boat." --------------------------------------
Two
blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station. One
asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The
other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ------------------------------------
A
woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your
curtains the next
time you & your wife are having sex. The
whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To
which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of
you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." ******************************************************************************* The following was sent
in by Kathy McDonald Corey... Have you ever
wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers? Well, here it is: I was in the six item express lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" (Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed. ------------------------------------------------------ All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said... With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." ****************************************************************************
************************************************************************************************************************************************ Sarcasm at its best A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Susan. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Susan a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Susan?" Susan says, "No, mother! I've never even kissed a man; I'm still a virgin!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and 3 wise men came over the
hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
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