A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. 
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Thanks to Kathy McDonald Corey from the class of 1960...

John, who lived in the north of England , decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, 'Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do,' said Ken.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Ken said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Ken's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

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SENIORS & COMPUTERS

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Georgie grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:  ID10T.
I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

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Cannot Find My Keys

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." 

They weren't in my pockets.  Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My Wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. 

She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right. 

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. 

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my Wife:

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." 

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice.

"Are you kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!" 

Now it was my turn to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." 

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!" 

Welcome to the golden years............

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great!
I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong!
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is.
But they decided to give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!

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Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner? A: So they can take bubble baths.

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A family is at the dinner table.
 The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A: A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"