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The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said "Well, I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

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Thanks to Kathy McDonald Corey for the following...

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise point. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible motor-cycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Dave." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
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A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish.
I said, 'No shit!'''
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.
Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ''But they're twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''  

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "mypenis."
The wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

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A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

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Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

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Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant...their legs.

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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

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Two blonds were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died.
Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.
However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.
At this point, one blond turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"