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Thanks to Cheryl Proffe Davis for the following...

  

  

 

 

     

 

 

 

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At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.
"Okay", the boy said. "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry.
And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. Amen"

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Yesterday morning, I went downstairs, and I found my wife in the kitchen. She was preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, still half asleep, she turned to me and said softly, "you've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what was that about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken!!!"

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Hunter was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying "you've got mail!"

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A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. ''Why are you standing in line, dear?'' she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
''Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself,'' said the grandma and she went to the end of the line.
A policeman walked down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

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Thanks to Barbara Weber Knueppel from the class of 1961 for the following...

Bad Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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