Thanks
to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following...
With all the new technology regarding
fertility, recently a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give
birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went
to visit.
May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had
elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the
baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked,
'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks
to Kathy McDonald Corey for the following...
Two young boys walked
into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to
the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the
counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy
replied.
The man continued, 'do
you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not
exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.
He's four."
"Oh,
really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the
boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able
to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of
those."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to Bob Gillette for the following...
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote
reservation in
South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or
mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what
the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader,
after several days, he got an idea.
He went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very
cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again
replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.
The chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?''
Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking
more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've
ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are
collecting a shit load of firewood!'*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was
really stormy.
They were standing on the stern of the boat
watching the moon rising into the nighttime sky.
Suddenly, without warning a wave swept upon the
deck.
The little old woman was caught in the wash and
was swept overboard.
She mysteriously disappeared beneath the waves.
They searched for days but couldn't find her.
The captain sent the old man back to shore.
He promised that he would notify him as soon as
they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
fax from the Captain.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found
your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was a single oyster.
Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000...
Please advise"
The old man faxed back:
"Send the pearl....re-bait the trap"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Ponderings by George Carlin
- Is it good if a vacuum really
sucks?
- Why is the third hand on the
watch called the second hand?
- If a word is misspelled in the
dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If Webster wrote the first
dictionary, where did he find the words?
- Why do we say something is out
of whack? What is a whack?
- Why do "slow down"
and "slow up" mean the same thing?
- Why do "fat chance"
and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
- Why do "tug" boats
push their barges?
- Why do we sing "Take me
out to the ball game" when we are already there?
- Why are they called
"stands" when they are made for sitting?
- Why is it called "after
dark" when it really is "after light"?
- Doesn't "expecting the
unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
- Why are a "wise man"
and a "wise guy" opposites?
- Why do "overlook"
& "oversee" mean opposite things?
- Why is "phonics" not
spelled the way it sounds?
- If work is so terrific, why do
they have to pay you to do it?
- If all the world is a stage,
where is the audience sitting?
- If love is blind, why is
lingerie so popular?
- If you are cross-eyed and have
dyslexia, can you read all right?
- Why is bra singular and
panties plural?
- Why do you press harder on the
buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
- Why do we put suits in garment
bags and garments in a suitcase?
- How come abbreviated is such a
long word?
- Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the
inside of the bottle?
- Why do they call it a TV set
when you only have one?
- Christmas is weird. What other
time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy
out of your socks?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Problem Is Solved...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you seen this one yet? I don't know what this OLD
stuff is about...do you?
Barbara DiBella Dowd 1962
|
And
the years go by.....
Cinderella
is divorced...
Snow-white
has not been so lucky...
Little-Red-Riding-Hood
hasn't seen the Wolf since...
Sleeping
Beauty is still asleep...
Barbie
celebrated her 50 th Birthday this year...
Little
Tweety is 60 years
old...
|
So
is Superman...
Wonder
Woman is menopausal...
Batman
and Robin are living it up at the Nursing Home...
Spider-Man
is attached to different threads...
Life
is short... So Smile !
This
getting old thing is starting to stink!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This
sent to us by Diana Urena class of 1961
The
Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by
an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger".
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be
executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three
requests."
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman in
the saddle.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill
you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's
ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette more
attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill
you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to
speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says "Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..."BRING
POSSE!"
