HixNews

	Hixnews Humor
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LEROY OF ST. LOUIS In a St. Louis church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole Congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Kathy McDonald Corey for the following... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This really funny exchange was submitted By Kathy Koziuk Hannaman The Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She'll be eligible for parole in three years. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another from Kathy... Subject: yup A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm from Texas , and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish", says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well." "Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?" "Who said my father's dead?" The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?" "He's 100 years old", says the old Texas boy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too." "Well", the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?" "He's 118 years old", says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?" "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Thanks to Ed Delaney class of 1961 for the following... Why Teachers DRINK The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs . (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U. Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome . Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we're getting somewhere) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another from Ed... Subject: "First Apple" A BIBLICAL STORY... A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." Adam ate the apple, too. Men will never learn...