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Thanks to Kathy Koziuk from the class of 1960 for this cutie...
A
guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For
Sale
'
He
rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.
The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a
dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that
I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.'
'I
got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The
guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
'Ten
dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten
dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?'
'Because
he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
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...and this one from Kathy as well!!!
How to entertain
old people...
http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/c/5/3970/3970473_sprite198.swf
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Thanks
to Bob Gillette for the following...
50
Years Of Marriage...
After
being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now
... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $60,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 74-year-old
woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of
things."
My
wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find
a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping
on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't
older women great? They really
know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Another
from Bob
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 89. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
...and one more
Subject: Only a farm kid would see it this way! When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
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My
wife and I went to the Duval County Fair and one of the
first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We
went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached
that said,
'
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My
wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,
'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My
wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more
than
twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My
wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from
this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same
cow.'
My
condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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A
blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the
road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can
never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your
car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did
the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters
yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving
around, my zip code keeps changing."
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The
Dormitory Head Mistress at Alfred in upstate
New York
addresses the Freshman class:
"The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined
$20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the
second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time
will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any
questions?"
At this, a
male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much
for a season pass?"
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How
do you manage to get fired the first
day
in a Winnie the Poo costume?
By putting your costume pants on backwards!
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Thanks
to Val Pakaluk from the class of 1951 for the following...
Grandma
is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes...
The
other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
"Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it
on my bumper.
Boy,
I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I
was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that
the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves
Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I
found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While
I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the
love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"
What
an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started
honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and
smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few
times to share in the love!
There
must have been a man from
Florida
back there because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage
grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said
that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from
Hawaii
, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign
back.
A
couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but
this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all
my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the
intersection.
I
noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had
to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the
car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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Engraving in metals
that are precious to us can be so meaningful and expressive!
I believe this
engraving is especially communicative and I thought you would
appreciate it.
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