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Top 30 things you'll never hear a Red Neck say... 30. When I retire, I'm movin' north. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken 26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit and lettuce instead of biscuits and gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who cares who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many mounted deer heads detract from the decor. 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate. 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 5. Hey! Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4. I don't have a favorite college team. 3. You Guys. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU'LL NEVER HEAR 1. Nope, no more beer for me. I have to drive home!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A classic routine revisited...comic Bob Nelson at Dangerfields http://biggeekdad.com/2012/07/bob-nelsons-football-routine/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following... Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many thanks to Chris Polanski from the class of 1960 for the following... Top 10 Country Western Songs 10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With Quite A Few 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 7. I've missed You But My Aim's Improvin' 6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win 5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer And the Number 1 Country & Western song is: 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Ronni Gardner & Marilyn for this ditty... $2.99 SPECIAL * I love it. If you are a Senior You will understand this one. If you deal with Seniors, this should help you understand them a little better and if you are not a Senior yet, God willing, someday you will be. We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Seniors Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?', my wife asked incredulously. 'Yes!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?', the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE grandmother of all blond jokes ___________________________________ This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies, " yes." He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said................ "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEX AFTER DEATH! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, Cecil was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Tanya . . . . . . . . . . . . Tanya." "Is that you, Cecil?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. "Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, Cecil . . . . are you in Heaven?" "No Tanya . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm a rabbit in Kansas." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole has a paper route!