Thanks to Kathy Koziuk
Hannaman for this "Too Funny" Humor!!
Bottle of Merlot
A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there..... And indicated the sender with
a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who
was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 8 inches in
your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what
they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in
Aspen
,
Paris
and
Miami
, and a 10,000 acre ranch in
Louisiana
. There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not
even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back."
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Thanks to Barbara DiBella
Dowd (1962) for the following...
Arguments
& Directions
An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into
the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and
out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out
of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."
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...and this one, too!!!
Yesterday
my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful
with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking Crown is not a
good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her
favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of
me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out
with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a
lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her
that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are in your 60s, retired, and now
you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to
her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your
glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute
Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do...
I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and my son-in-law picked up the phone and said
that she had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it
can be a hell of a lot of fun.
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Thanks to
Joan Siegl Rudolph from the class of 1961 for this one...
I pointed to two "old farts" across the bar
from us and told my friend Bob, "That'll be us in ten
years."
He turned to me and said..."That's a
mirror, you dumb shit."
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And
this one too!!!
Just
before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, 'How
old was your husband?'
'98,'
she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So
you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home,
is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you
can hide your own Easter eggs.
I
feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I
got my doctor's permission to
Join
a fitness club and start exercising.
I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I
bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over.
My
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used
to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till
the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee maker.
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Thanks
to Bob Bittner from the class of 1968 for this one...
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience???
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the
quarter back!'
I'm like.....Helloooooo. It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks to Ed Delaney for this one...
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Thanks
to Kathy McDonald Corey class of 1960 for the following...
HOLY
PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye...
|
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought.
He sees another sign: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was
interested in possibly doing business!'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock
on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips
through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot
facing another sign:
GO
IN PEACE...YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS...SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!
Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the
following...
A Husband is Down in Aisle 5...
A husband and wife are shopping
in their local supermarket.
The
husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What
do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the
wife, they carry on shopping.
A few aisles
farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts
it in the basket.
"What do you think you're
doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband
retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price."
That's him on Aisle 5.
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