Humor for October 2013
Headache
Joe
was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can
cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up
against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go
under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see,
size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you
know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried
on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe
thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman
eyed Joe then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half
neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you
know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe
tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The
salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see,
nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did
you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Joe
tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new
underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why
not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've
worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a
size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
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The
snoring stopper!
A
man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't
sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells
the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop
snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,
unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon
and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops
snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with
his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around
her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of
the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to
his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he
notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God,
we got first and second place!"
Turner
Brown
A
little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis,
testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big
dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He
asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice the little guy
says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I
just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always
asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis,
my testicles weigh 3 lbs. each. And my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn
Around".
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Bingo!!
And
some people think others don't really have any real fun living in
Florida
!
Guess
they've never experienced the excitement of hitting BINGO at a Florida
Senior Citizen's Center.
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SOME VERY INTERESTING
OBSERVATIONS
1.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content.
3.
I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4.
I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, "Thyroid problem?"
5.
I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
upreally fast.
6.
A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7.
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
8.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
"terminal"?
10.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
11.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13...
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15.
I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
daysI've stayed alive.
17.
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan
to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer
Brains."
18.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is
winning.
19.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not
feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Many
Thanks to Bunny Reid class of 1961 for this little bit of humor...
Yesterday
my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her
favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the
senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a
lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts?
You're almost 80 years old and you're going to start jumping out of
airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief; where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up
for five jumps a week," I told her.
She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it
really can be fun.
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Thanks to Ed Delaney for sending this joke for us to share...
Only a Yankee would understand this!!!!
|
The
Jewish grandmother...
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at
the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing
on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a
sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly
onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer
there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky,
screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?
Haven't
I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't
I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't
I kept a kosher home?
Haven't
I given to charity?
Haven't
I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't
I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right
already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears
out of nowhere and crashes on the beach.
As the water recedes, the boy is standing
there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever
happened.
The voice booms again. "I have
returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
...and this one, too!!!
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and
games console shut down immediately. It was raining-- I couldn't
play golf so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person
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Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following bit of
humor...
|
The sharing of
marriage...
The old man placed order
for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of
his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He
took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them.
As
he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
were looking over and whispering.
Obviously
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them."
As
the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The
old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing
everything.
People
closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again,
the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.
This
time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."
Finally,
as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She
answered "THE
TEETH."
