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Humor

 

 


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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. 

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his   

collar on backwards.                            

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.                                  

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'                                      

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'                   

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'            

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his

collar that way!'                                                                        

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to    

reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you  

should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

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     Hu's (Who's) On First

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THE MEDIUM

...thanks to Ed Delaney for this little ditty

 In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow...

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death, this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know...

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, women tend to like this joke...

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***** A Real Good Friend *****

...Thanks to Bob Gillette for this amazing humor

 A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams, "You asshole!

My hair & makeup aren't done

The house is a mess

The dishes aren't done

I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the "f..." did you bring him home?"

'Cause he's thinking of getting married!!!

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The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep.  It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand.  She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated; she'd been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Carol has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasin eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

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