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	Hixnews Humor
The Lie Detector From Kathy Koziuk Hannaman 1960 A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: FW: How to tell time in Italy Funny Italian What Time Is It (HD, Subtitles) - YouTube ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Bev Reid Scibelli 1961 DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!! It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! It involves the shampoo that runs down your body when you shower. This is a warning to us all. SHAMPOO WARNING! I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning... "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads... "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone when you call, I'll be in the shower! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ITALIAN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION Thanks to Joan Siegl Rudolph 1961 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned...I've been with a loose girl! The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, And his friend Franco slides over and whispers; 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Racetrack Another from Joan A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maggie, a blond city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple.. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently . Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ..... "I guess it's to hang your trousers on." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...Another from Joan Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines: * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school. Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes." A man called his mother in Florida ."Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." *A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A : Under the vacuum cleaner. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack...selling ties. The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They're only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!" "Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5." "Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but I must conserve my energy and find water!" "Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace." Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped "They won't let me in without a tie!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------