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 AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING

  ROMANCE

 Betty was lying in bed one night.

Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting..."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me..."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Betty asked...

"To get my teeth!"

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  DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

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  OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

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  SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang..Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25.

Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

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  SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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  DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

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BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents. And thanks for the memories...I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

ON TURNING 70

'I still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80

That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

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 My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

My Parents taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My Parents taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC ..

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My Parents taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My Parents taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone. (LIVER)"

. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

My Parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

My Parents taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My Parents taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Parents taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Parents taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Parents taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

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TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is.

TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher .

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HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." ____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "Wow!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!!! ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shop, the boat, making wine.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' -----------------------------------------------------

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician, and a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.  'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey,   Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.  I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi Vern; want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Cal Pistol This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire: Here is her story: While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection.........