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Catholic Hairdryer

In Catholic school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of Imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:


Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course child. What may I do for you?
Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday .It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it .Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?
I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.
With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first .The official asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?
From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, Go ahead, Father. Next please!

A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.

She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new IPad we gave you for your birthday?"

This is in German but it doesn't matter. You'll get the rest immediately:

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.'

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Oh crap!
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Finally a Dr that thinks like I do!!

My New Primary Care Physician

Love this Doctor! 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A:  Oh no.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy: No pain...good! 

       

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How getting more vegetable be bad?

 

Q :  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A:  Oh no!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  You crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

 

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?

A:  If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

 

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape!

 

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember: 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" 

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

 

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.