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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
Was speeding down
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
Cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
And said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's
Wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped open and
every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right
into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the
flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with
my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise
him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it
comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
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I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
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Finally, an orthopaedic bed just for MEN.
No more snoring as you will be sleeping on your stomach 99% of the
time.
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an
affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you
hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
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How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Social
Security A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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