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Two Dogs Dining

This is very funny. Check it out!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125

 

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..."Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."   So one day, there is this lady who is driving a red convertible -- top down -- and she has four penguins in the back seat.  She goes zooming right through a stop sign--speeding and all. Well, there is a cop right there and he pulls her over, and says: "Lady, you just ran that stop sign and you're speeding...and...what are those penguins doing in the back seat?!  I am going to write you warning tickets, but I want you to take those penguins to the zoo." He writes the tickets and sends her along with her warnings. Next day, the same lady is barreling down the same road. Same red convertible, top down, same penguins--now wearing sunglasses, same stop sign--zoom-- right through it again! Well, the same cop is there and he pulls her over again. "LADY," he says, "you ran that same stop sign again--and you're speeding again and...I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo." "I did, Officer," she says, "and now we're going to the beach!"   Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'    Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'    Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'       A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'  A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.  'What was that for?' the man asked.  The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.  Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession..  Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.' 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven bitter lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again. 
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' 
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' 
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 
'It is!' 
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 
'I can!' 
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 
'I do!' 
'Is he a member of your congregation?' 
'He is!' 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 
'He will.' 

An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues: 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
Man: 'What sins?' 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ....I'm telling everybody!' 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.  One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 
'Who are you?' he asked him. 
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. 
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Two Girls In A Pub

I was in the Pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks and I noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"
So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's all I remember...