These
are a great reminder of what enjoyable entertainment was all about!
(FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER)
Hollywood
Squares:
These
great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of
course...
Q. Do
female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True
or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've
been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According
to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.
Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which
of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A.
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q.
In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What
are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As
you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A.
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.Paul,
why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.
Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A.
Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In
bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It
is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps..
One is politics, what is the other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During
a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.
Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can
boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When
you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If
you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.
According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It
is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back
in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what
was he trying to do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who
stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When
a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie
Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.
According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE
GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
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THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB
Six retired Italian Floridian
fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses
$500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the
table.
Showing respect for their
fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At
the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's
gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards.
Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the
most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name.
Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to
the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the
door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband
just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell
him to drop dead!"
yells the wife.
"I'll go tell
him." says Pasquale
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Georgia
The
owner of a golf course in
Georgia
was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He
called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the
University
of
Georgia
and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?"
The
secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my
earrings."
Louisiana
A
senior citizen in
Louisiana
was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope
to be in
Louisiana
."
When
asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in
Louisiana
'cause everythang happens in
Louisiana
20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The
young man from
Mississippi
came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba,
somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba
replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The
young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."
North
Carolina
A
man in
North Carolina
had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to
put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then
he got back in the car to wait.
A
passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The
man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The
man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
neither."
Tennessee
A
Tennessee
State
trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any
ID?"
The
driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The
Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage
in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep,"
he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all
kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o'
nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
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The
following pictures submitted by Pat Stephenson
Jordan
from the class of 1962
Anyone out there in the mood for a cruise???
Quickies
I dialed a
number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder
to find one.
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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are
pregnant.
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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
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A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between
confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
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Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
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The following submitted by Diana Urena Carasa
from the Class of 1961
Getting
old is easy.....
Having
fun while getting old is the real trick...
I
celebrated my birthday this year by buying an "All Terrain" Four
- Wheeler.
Here
I am, in the backyard, playing with my new toy.
This
is something that should be enjoyed by all my friends...
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This joke submitted by Connie Skow Class of 1962
Question: Is sex Work?
A U.S.Marine Colonel was about
to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the
coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a
question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit
frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was
"work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A
Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A
Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A
lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.
There
being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge
of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir,
it has to be 100% pleasure.
The
colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well,
sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."
