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A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said," honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day."
His wife said, crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "well, I'm in the bar next to it"

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. 
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? 
"Morris Feinberg," he replied. 
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" 
"For about 60 years." 
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." 
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." 
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." 
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" 
"Like I'm talking to a wall."

Holiday Drinking & Driving

This is a word to the wise for all my email friends.

I would like to share an experience with you: having to do with drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years.

The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too many cocktails, and knowing full well that I was inebriated, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus!
I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I've never driven a bus before.