---

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

MY TRAVELS

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently

you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you        there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be

driven. I've made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump! At my age, I'm

lucky to be able to walk

 

Southern Ingenuity
One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.
The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the
Yankees. "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
Tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station,
they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment
the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket. 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed
Yankees. "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the War...

Ten Dollars

I was walking down the street when a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner accosted me.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'

 

SOUNDS LIKE THESE COULD'VE BEEN WRITTEN BY HENNY YOUNGMAN, WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.  HOWEVER, ONLY A SELECT FEW OF US MAY REMEMBER WHO HE WAS!!

 

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York , send one to Los Angeles , and send one to Miami ." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

(Many Thanks to Joe Carfora for this submission)

Puns for Educated Minds
 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
 
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
 
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
 
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
 
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
 
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun "in ten did."

 

G O I N'  F I S H I N G

Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following conversation

Takes place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out

fishing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing.  I had to promise my wife I'd build her a

new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that

I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish, and when they realize that the fourth guy hasn't

said a word, one of them says, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set the alarm for 5:30 AM.  When it rang, I shut It off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, 'Don't forget to wear a sweater.'"